Canadians: "Build a Damn Fence!"

From The Manitoba Herald
by Clive Runnels

Canadians: "Build a Damn Fence!"

  The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has
intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop
the illegal immigration. The recent actions of the Tea Party are prompting
an exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to
hunt, pray, and to agree with Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck.

  Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology
professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at
night. "I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood
producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose
acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry.
He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken.

When I said I didn't have any, he left before I even got a chance to show
him my screenplay, eh?

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences,
but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared
Rush Limbaugh across the fields.

  "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through and Rush
annoyed the cows so much that they wouldn't give any milk."

  Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near
the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons and drive them
across the border where they are simply left to fend for themselves."  A lot
of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an Ontario
border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a single bottle of
imported drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley Cabernet,
though." 

  When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often
wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have
been circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where
liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR races.

  In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the
border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy
cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans
in powdered wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping
buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizens about Perry Como and
Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the '50s. "If they can't
identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very
suspicious about their age" an official said.

  Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating
an organic-broccoli shortage and are renting all the Michael Moore movies.
"I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just
can't support them." an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors
does one country need?"